Being known as a parenting expert isn't always easy. Psychologist and syndicated columnist John Rosemond will never forget the shopping trip when seven-year-old daughter Amy wanted a new toy. He refused. Shortly thereafter, a reader introduced himself, saying, "I love your column—it's so common sense." Suddenly John sensed Amy next to him and glanced down to find her scowling and breathing heavily. She blurted, "Daddy, if you don't buy me that toy, I'm going to kick you!" John looked back to his horrified admirer, who quickly excused himself with, "Nice meeting you. I've got to go."

    John uses this awkward experience to illustrate an important truth about child rearing: You can't control your children. You can, however, control the relationship, that is, what you will and won't do for your kids and how you will participate in their life. You can also control consequences; to the extent that you do so effectively in the early years, many behavior problems can be avoided later. He uses a familiar example to explain. "Here is the degree to which you can control your child: Genesis chapter 3—the only perfect parent there ever was or ever will be creates two children who disobey His first instruction."

    For practical child rearing techniques, John looks to the Bible . . . and to Grandma. "When I did something wrong," he recalls, "my mother didn't feel bad about it; [she] made me feel bad about it." This concept has lost popularity, partially because of our cultural overemphasis on self-esteem. But earlier generations understood its wisdom, and there is scriptural support for feeling remorseful about wrongdoing. The Bible says the sacrifice God deems acceptable is a heart "broken down with sorrow for sin and humbly and thoroughly penitent" (Psalm 51:17 AMP). When a child misbehaves, parents must not shy away from administering needed chastisement because "corrections of discipline are the way to life" (Proverbs 6:23 NIV).

    Rosemond views our culture's biggest mistake as "rejecting traditional authority." Many modern parents are consequently uncomfortable taking charge; they'd rather be their child's friend. Parenting, however, is actually leadership, which is "not about punishment, but about creating disciples." He elaborates, "You wear leadership. It's body language, tone of voice—not threatening, but a tone that says, 'I claim my authority over you. I do not care if you like my decisions, but I care more deeply for you than you'll be able to comprehend till you have children of your own.'"

    John sees the ingredients for effective parenting as trustworthy consistency, compelling circumstances, and—most importantly—clear communication . He considers this last component a gift because there's no guesswork for the child. "When you learn to tell your children what to do, your children will start doing what they're told." He says parents of "difficult" little ones are often befuddled when the same children cooperate for Grandma. "That's because the grandparent is . . . saying, 'Your place at the table is right there,' while the parent [suggests], 'How would you like to sit over there? Is that all right?' The child knows that everything in the final analysis is negotiable with the parent, but that nothing is negotiable with the grandparent."

    And therein lies the key. Mom and Dad can win cooperation too, especially if they start communicating clearly early on. Some people regard this as a cold parenting style, but according to John, it in fact "relaxes the relationship. Nothing throws more stress into the parent-child relationship than misbehavior on the part of the child. Clarity of authority-based communication eliminates 80% of the misbehavior right out of the gate."

Parenting Seasons

    Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NIV) says, "There is . . . a season for every activity under heaven." That includes parenting. First comes a "season of service," when the parent "orbits around the child" and micromanages the youngster's life. But, as Grandma knew, if "orbiting" were to continue, the child would become self-centered, so age two is time for transitioning.

    The second season is one of leadership—parents stop serving and claim authority over offspring. As capabilities increase, kids should have responsibility to do more for themselves. This is the time to discriminate between needs and wants—which children regard as one and the same—and also to reenergize the husband-wife relationship.

    Mentoring describes the third season, which begins around age 10. Here, the child is prepared for emancipation, and ultimately for a fourth season: friendship. Many parents see that as the goal from the beginning, but attempting comaraderie too early will backfire. Rosemond asserts that parenting seasons work: "Serve, lead, mentor, emancipate. Then you will have the relationship you wanted all along."

    With encouragement to "raise your children your way," Rosemond reminds parents that experts like him "have suggestions, ideas, and guidelines. They do not have the final word when it comes to your kids. You do."* He offers advice to "read less psychology; read more Scripture; use common sense" . . . and one final recommendation: "Enjoy!"

* John Rosemond, New Parenting Power! 2001

— Sandy Feit