creating boundaries for needy people

     Imagine how you would lookand feelwith an octopus wrapped around you. One suckered arm crowns your head, and the remaining seven encircle your torso and legs. The relationship is great for the octopus, who gets a free ride and lots of attention (I'd stare at a cephalopod-bedecked person walking through the market, wouldn't you?). On the other, er, tentacle, how do you benefit from the arrangement? Your pal clings to you with over 1,000 suckers, no doubt leaving unsightly marks. You're fond of the creature, but carting it around is a real chore.

    Now, what if your octopus were human? We are all likely to have one in our lives at some pointasking for the best of our advice, time, or attention and offering little in return. This is the woman always in a crisis that only we will understand, the adult child who is usually broke and in need of parental funds, or the male co-worker who cannot complete a project without daily input and guidance. When the roles are reversed and we need someone to see us through an emergency, these fair-weather friends are too busy, too poor, or too self-involved to return the favor.

    The human octopus is unusual in that his bad behavior is dependent upon our willingness to tolerate it. When we continuously bail someone out from his or her latest difficulty, we become an enablersomeone who makes it possible for a needy person to remain reliant on others. Recently I caught a few minutes of a "reality" television show about a coddled pop singer. She bemoaned the fact that her new husband didn't pick up her clothes from where she had tossed them and the floor had become virtually impassable. For her entire life, a parent, manager, or hanger-on had been cleaning up her messes, and now she was positively befuddled about how the clothes would make their way from the floor to the laundry room.

    At first, reliance makes the enabler feel greatimportant, competent, and trusted. Eventually, however, the unyielding cycle of crisis, solution, crisis, solution becomes frustrating and often unfulfilling. According to Galatians 6:2, bearing one another's burdens is an essential part of our Christian life, but a mere three verses away is the simple phrase, "For each one will bear his own load" (v. 5). The Lord equipped us to be responsible for our own actions and consequences. Of course, no man is an island, capable of doing everything alone, but when someone becomes peninsular to us, we must set limits. "The concept of boundaries comes from the very nature of God," according to Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend in their book Boundaries. "God defines Himself as a distinct, separate being, and He is responsible for Himself. He defines and takes responsibility for His personality by telling us what He thinks, feels, plans, allows, will not allow, likes, and dislikes." We can do things God has disallowed, but we forfeit communion with Him when we cross His boundarythe line indicating what will be tolerated in the relationship.

    Remember that pop singer? The major portion of her rant was aimed at her new husband who ignored the garment-littered floor. By putting his own clothes into the laundry hamper and not his wife's, he drew a line that indicated "I won't clean up after you. If you refuse to put your things away, you will have to tolerate a messy house."

    A well-stated boundary will contain a combination of expressions: an assertion of our responsibility or refusal to accept responsibility ("I am happy to do the laundry"), a clear example of the problem behavior and the consequence if it persists ("If you do not separate your light and dark clothing, I won't wash your things"), or the transference of responsibility back to the needy person ("I'm sorry that your washing machine is broken again, but I'm sure you will figure out a solution for getting your clothes clean").

    Be prepared for anger, resentment, or deliberate attempts by the other person to storm the boundary line. It's hard to resist "Mom, if you don't loan me some cash, I don't think I can make the trip to your place for Christmas" or "I can't believe you won't help me with the sales report. Don't you want to be promoted?" The human octopus is a creature intent on shifting difficulties to our shoulders; heaping on guilt, demonstrating hurt, and threatening are sometimes part of the arsenal. Courageously holding to our boundaries is worthwhile, but often very hard work.

    God designed us to develop caring relationships that provide support in times of joy and pain. Occasionally, a needy person will venture into our life, demanding that we shoulder her burdens but refusing to share in ours. Firmly drawn boundaries will protect us from exploitation. They will also prevent the weariness, stress, and frustration of carrying around a human octopus.

Tracy Hillwig